there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
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