Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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