why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
