I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
