dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
