I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Less talking, more tequila
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
