Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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