Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
