3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Someone stole a lamp last night.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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