I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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