you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly