Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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