i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Someone came in the potted fern
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize