talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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