you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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