I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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