Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
