Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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