I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Well I just put wine in my tea
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
