take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
