Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
