did you get engaged???
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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