I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
