A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
