The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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