Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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