gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
even my farts smell like vagina
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
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It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize