I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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