11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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