i may or may not be watching the land before time
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
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