a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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