One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
