I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
