i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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