Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
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