I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
