There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize