I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Barsexuality is the new black.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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