There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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