after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
