I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
