I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
