The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
