i think i have two assholes
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
