I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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