You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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