whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
