The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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