LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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