and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
