he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
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Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Pooping to opera.
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