He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
God, I missed his penis.
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