wrigley field is MILF paradise
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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