U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
