my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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