I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
