Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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