we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Who died my cat blue again?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
