i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
