remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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