Just fell off a train. Bad.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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