She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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