Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize