Betty ford says i'm here all night
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
